Choose Courage
Stay far from timid Only make moves when your heart's in it And live the phrase Sky's The Limit
- Biggie Smalls
Fear. It's a necessary emotion that serves to keep us safe from both physical and emotional harm. However it can also prevent us from living our best lives, producing anxiety and depression, affecting most of the choices we make. Though it’s something we all experience, we can choose to let it rule our lives and self-sabotaging behavior, or we can choose to let it build us into stronger, wiser versions of our former fearful selves. There are skills you can learn and use if you feel stuck in that fearful rut, a completely self-imposed paralysis that may be affecting your career or relationships.
I know because I lived there for many years. Unhappy with so many aspects of my own life but feeling powerless to change them, living in a place of fear. Back then I had a myriad of reasons(excuses), none of them acknowledging how scared I was inside to make the necessary changes. Nowadays I tell people that when I left my husband of almost 16 years, it was my version of a near-death experience. My fear of the unknown was replaced by the realization that time was fleeting, and so much had already been lost. I learned to manage my fears and anxieties out of necessity, motivated through my need to build a meaningful life for myself and my girl with this sudden sense of urgency.
A few months back a girlfriend of mine was going through a bad breakup and came in for a hair makeover to lift her spirits. She was betrayed by her two closest people, her lover and her best friend since childhood, which left her in a place of hurt, questioning herself and killing her confidence. As I told her my perspective, she said, “you’re so lucky you don’t ever feel this way. I wish I had your confidence and didn’t doubt myself so much.”
Is that really how I come off? Kinda flattering but I do get scared, doubt myself, and question things. Brené Brown has written many books on the subject of courage and vulnerability, and this reminds me of something she says: I am courageous and afraid at the same time. But I‘ve learned to push past my fears daily in order to pursue my passions. Every human who walks this earth wrestles with thoughts of self-doubt, worry, fear. Read that again. EVERY HUMAN. Even the ones at the top of their game, inspiring others with their confidence and skill mastery. Then what is it that sets them apart? It’s usually a combination of things, but mainly passion and good life skills. If you find yourself lacking in either or both categories, the good news is that passion can be discovered and grown, and life skills can be learned, your grit strengthened.
I believe that first comes with connecting to yourself. Take the time get to know or rediscover who you are, who you would like to become and what you want your time on this earth to look like. Sometimes our true selves are buried under a monotonous life, a wounded ego, or a broken heart. Have you let those things define you or have you used them to realize your truest potential? For instance, in the case of my friend who was cheated on, she was left in a space of questioning herself, not trusting her own instincts or the motives of others. To which I replied, “I guarantee you that you saw the signs that she wasn’t trustworthy in her other relationships, or even in your own, or red flags regarding his narcissism long before this happened but chose to disregard what your gut was telling you and believe the pretty picture. The problem isn‘t that you can’t trust others now or again, that’ll pass, the problem is you didn’t TRUST YOURSELF when your gut was telling you these people weren’t worthy.“ When we own our part in something, even if it’s very small, we shed the victim role and realize the element of control.
We’ve all been guilty of that. I did it when I chose to stay in a miserable marriage because I loved aspects of our life and chose the dysfunction I knew over an unknown potential happiness and risk of failure. When you’ve let fear keep you from living the life you dream about, you don’t realize until you experience something better that your marker for success/happines/love had been so low. Realize your potential for anything is where you set it in your mind. Is there a limit? Or is it boundless?
This week I’ve been making my daughter listen to a book I read when she was a baby that began reshaping my ways of thinking at the time. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz lays down some wisdom that is so simple to me now that I’ve been living it for so long, but twenty three year-old victim mentality me? I was just mature enough to understand the message and begin practicing the skills. I think it’s safe to say anyone who’s close to me now would vouch for the fact that I embody the words in those pages and if you haven’t read it, or have but haven’t felt the transformation, READ IT (again). I forgot how much this book shaped my strongest values and believe it has the power to transform anxiety into confidence simply by putting these four agreements into daily practice.
My goals are so much bigger than me that you bet I have fleeting moments of self-doubt. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. But the recipe for overcoming isn’t a secret one and you have the ability to create whatever experience you wish. Invest in your personal growth and push past the fear that’s holding you back. It takes awareness and effort to put new behaviors into practice but in time becomes effortless as it just evolves into your way of life and you‘ll eventually appear fearless to those around you too!